Finding the right headspace
People who know me would probably agree that my default mood is pretty darn chirpy. Many would say that I’m never down, that I can always see the sunny side of things. Those who know me even better know that every now and then, I get low. Like, really low.
It usually starts with a single blow. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just something that puts a dent in my confidence, or the scuttling of plans I was excited about. This starts a downward spiral that quickly turns me from my typical, bubbly self (see website header) into a morose, annoying, blubbering wreak. Try to cheer me up, I retreat further and will probably offend you in some way without meaning to, because I’m just so certain that life is so bleak and shit that there’s nothing that can be done. Try to cheer ME up?! You don’t understand me!!
The other day, I was feeling absolutely dreadful. Of course, this is just me filling my own head with bullshit. I make myself inconsolable and can’t pull myself out of it. And because I’m shit to be around, I push those who could help me away. It’s my purpose to be bubbly and bring everyone up, after all. This spiral lasts until I go to bed. For some reason, I am almost always back on form again the next day. I’m lucky in this respect and thankful I’m not made to suffer through these “depressions” for more than these quick sprints. However, I always wished I could get away from these negative spirals.
Then, a couple of days ago, I hit a spiral. As my spitfire was starting to smoke and sputter, however, I thought to myself “No! I won’t let it happen!” I had recently been to an acting lecture by Jack Plotnick. His positive energy and his joyful view of acting and life in general inspired me to pull myself out of the sofa and get a coffee. Just do SOMETHING to pull myself out. This led to a chain of events that ended in a wonderful new personal connection, a trip to a gay bar with a hilarious afterparty to follow and some beautiful experiences the next few days.
I was left with such a good feeling after this chain of events that when I got some bad news earlier today, it barely even registered. Whereas two weeks ago, I would have gone into a spiral, I now took strength from the fact that I didn’t let me affect my mood. I took in the experience and decided to learn from it in the future, and then put it behind me. I was so happy that as I was walking down the street, I kept grinning at people and getting grins back.
It. Felt. Fantastic.
I took the picture at the top in the middle of my last spiral. I took this image right here right before I went outside earlier today. I feel like I’m finally in control of my own emotional health and for that very reason, I will forever be thankful for my trip to LA. It has taught me some lessons about myself I didn’t know I needed. To everyone I’ve met and everything that’s happened while I’ve been here: A massive thank you from the bottom of my heart.