A little bit negative

Didn’t write yesterday. Plain forgot. Too busy feeling sorry for myself.

Had class at uni which went fairly well. I was feeling better about things, but was also sweaty and stinky. When I got home, I decided I wasn’t up for drama. I had a shower and was going to play Dead Space, but realised there was no disc in the fucking box.

How I Met Your Mother was good, though. Barney is back, baby! Suit up!

Spent this morning not finishing my research dossier for the documentary. I should have started work on it a week ago, but for some reason, I ended up starting at 1PM today. Obviously, I didn’t manage to finish it. I handed it in anyway. I keep telling myself that I’m going to do better next year, and the year after that, but I never do. I always make the same mistakes.

At the tutorial with our module leader, I said as truth was that I feel I’ve betrayed myself and the project and that, while we can probably find something within the three hours of footage to fill in a ten-minute documentary, the subject kind of ran away with us and we didn’t do as well as we could have. I also said I was fairly happy with the visual side of it. Sana (module leader) and Radim told me I was being all doom and gloom. Overly negative and all that. I kept to myself that I thought I was being positive compared to how I’m seeing things.

Played some more Fifa Street 3. Watched four fucking episodes of Glee. First few episodes were pretty gut-wrenching, but they’re getting slightly better, and it was a distraction from thinking about tomorrow morning, when I have another lecture I’m completely unprepared for… Bugger me, has it been a week already?

Sometimes, I want to kick myself in a teeth for even starting this course. I will probably not end up working in film anyway. I feel useless. I know I’ve learned from university over the years, but I feel just as stupid as I did when I joined, only now I also feel less confident because I don’t feel any more competent. How the fuck am I supposed to get through fourth year?

I’ll just start a kennel and make millions off puppy-videos on Youtube.

PS: I really do want a dog. A dog that could force me to go outside when I really just want to curl up in a corner and die. A dog that could force me out of bed in the mornings when I see no reason to get up.