I go through many phases during any given semester. There are quite a few positive-outlook phases, and these are very enjoyable. I see what I have learned, what I will learn and I can sense a clear future within what I am studying. There are also the Let’s-Just-Do-This periods, where things don’t go exactly to plan but I crack on unabated and get things done. There are the Procrastination phases, where I can’t seem to work. This phase usually leads into the Let’s-Just-Do-This phase. Then there are the Torture phases. Usually, these happen around the time of an essay and are relatively short. During these phases, I lose all confidence in my own abilities and I go back to something I’m used to from my teens, when I often spent time wondering if I had a slight mental handicap. The Torture phase usually lasts for about a day or two, accompanied by Procrastination and followed by Let’s-Just-Do-This.
However… I’ve been stuck at Torture for a while now. Torture and Procrastination. I play games and read things and I find no REAL enjoyment in any of it. I’ll have a chuckle, but then I go “Okay, time to work” and I can’t seem to stop playing or watching, and I rather keep doing what I was, only there’s no enjoyment now, because I’m conscious of the fact that I’m not doing my work.
So why can’t I snap out of it?
More and more, my motivation for staying at my Film and Photography course at Napier is becoming the fact that I’ve accrued a huge debt from this course and it would all be kind of useless if I end it now. Should money be the motivation for anything, though? If I feel that I would be more happy doing something that was less production-based and more performance-based, should I not follow that instinct? But then, is it not my instinct to go with film studies that got me into this mess in the first place? I’m closing in on 30 years, which is anything from a third to half of my entire lifespan, and I still don’t know where my life is headed. I can’t afford another dead end, can I? What if I suck at acting, too?
What if I’m HEADED for a dead end? What if changing now would lead me in a direction more suitable to me? What if it would just lead me into a different dead end? What if there was a fork in the road much further back that didn’t go on to a dead end?
Okay, I suppose in life there are no real dead ends. At worst, they’re cul-de-sacs… They don’t stop you in your tracks, but they lose you a lot of time. I don’t want to keep losing mine.
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I felt the same quite often when writing my master’s degree. I also considered quitting and doing something else, but decided to finish it, possibly because I realized that I would probably feel like that whatever I was doing. I still don’t know whether I should have started writing it at all, but I don’t think it is wasted. All in all I’m glad I finished it, though I’m still not sure what to do with it.
Oh, and I’m closer to 30 than you are. Life still hasn’t ended, though it may be hibernating for a while as I figure out what to do
Yeah, it’s a difficult time to be in, when you doubt your choices. The worst part is that I’m fully aware that I’m not alone in this without that knowledge helping me at all. I’ve spoken with my Personal Development Tutor (moral support guy) and there are a few options available to me, like getting a letter of recommendation for a course in Glasgow so I wouldn’t start from scratch if I change course, or stopping after three years so at least I get a Bachelor’s, so I think I’ll pull through in some fashion by the end.
I think I’d definitely be happy that I stayed by the end of it, but I’m wondering if I want to subject myself to an even bigger debt and even more torture just to feel that in the end… I have some things to ponder.
Thanks for the support, Kristin! ^_^
I wouldn’t worry about discovering cul de sacs and restarting. Better than studying actuarial science and becoming an actuary for the remainder of your natural life. And remember that your mid-life crisis in another 15 years will probably result in much more soul-searching than this. Not necessarily a bad thing, unless you’ve regular mortgage repayments, school fees, etc…
Interesting points, considering that I’ll have a 80K pound loan on my hands just for the studies, and my wife is looking into becoming an actuary. ^_^
I wrote a comment but it didn’t seem to go through.
A lot of your post resonates with me, Mags. You aren’t alone. I’ve been going to sleep wanting to do one thing with my life and waking up wanting to do another. Author, photojournalist, military psychologist, disaster psychologist, travelling bard. I was doing a media studies/film major last year and I switched to psychology this year. But whats the point of a psych masters if I just want to travel/watch the world?
I think the way the fear of hitting another dead end really paralyzes those who feel it is WAY UNFAIR. For goodness sake, go paralyze some other chump, I have enough problems without feeling completely unconfident in what I’m doing right now. LEAVE ME BE!
I used to think the whole world cared. Like if I dropped out of university every person on this planet would give disapproving looks. But really, our lives are our lives alone. We could spend our whole lives trying to figure out what to do with them, figure it out at age 70 and nothing will change in the world. Not that much anyway.
Now I’ve learned there are no right or wrong answers, we don’t *need* to get it right.. or *need* to know. Or *need* to do anything. But, the beauty of it all is, we *can*. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
As I’m writing this to you, I am myself procrastinating in order to avoid doing the things I have to do in order to make my life easier in the long run and make sure I don’t derail my production by not having things ready by the time they need to be. So I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about, I have never ever had any doubts about my career/study choices in my life nor do I understand your concerns about the whole “debt” thing.
Yup.
I know that was helpful.
Seriously though, in terms of the show biz/entertainment business/movie business whatever you’d like to call it, anything goes. I meet people EVERY DAY who have come into this from a completely different path. You’re actually pretty close in terms of what you’re doing/what you want to do. I’ve met people with a major in psychology and a minor in physics -who just so happened to have enough of a passion for filmmaking that they are now screenwriters. That’s just one example, I have plenty more. Reading the overview of the fellows at my school is actually quite fascinating, they come from all walks of life, are all ages (the oldest one is 65, so if you’re worried about getting older…).
Just do what you feel passionately about. -And if you need more of a “practical” advice: a friend of mine once said (in reference to his choice of hobby vs careerpath) ” I can have music as a hobby -chemistry on the other hand…” So what can’t you live without, but still keep in your life without it blocking your other choices?
By the way; I’m in the Torture faze right now, accompanied by Procrastination, and I really hope (and need) Let’s Just Do This will (to) follow, if not, then I’m screwed.
So that’s me stopping then.
Hope that was helpful.
Yep, really truly am stopping now an getting stuff done.
Ok, bye
Talk to you soon.
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