I go through many phases during any given semester. There are quite a few positive-outlook phases, and these are very enjoyable. I see what I have learned, what I will learn and I can sense a clear future within what I am studying. There are also the Let’s-Just-Do-This periods, where things don’t go exactly to plan but I crack on unabated and get things done. There are the Procrastination phases, where I can’t seem to work. This phase usually leads into the Let’s-Just-Do-This phase. Then there are the Torture phases. Usually, these happen around the time of an essay and are relatively short. During these phases, I lose all confidence in my own abilities and I go back to something I’m used to from my teens, when I often spent time wondering if I had a slight mental handicap. The Torture phase usually lasts for about a day or two, accompanied by Procrastination and followed by Let’s-Just-Do-This.
However… I’ve been stuck at Torture for a while now. Torture and Procrastination. I play games and read things and I find no REAL enjoyment in any of it. I’ll have a chuckle, but then I go “Okay, time to work” and I can’t seem to stop playing or watching, and I rather keep doing what I was, only there’s no enjoyment now, because I’m conscious of the fact that I’m not doing my work.
So why can’t I snap out of it?
More and more, my motivation for staying at my Film and Photography course at Napier is becoming the fact that I’ve accrued a huge debt from this course and it would all be kind of useless if I end it now. Should money be the motivation for anything, though? If I feel that I would be more happy doing something that was less production-based and more performance-based, should I not follow that instinct? But then, is it not my instinct to go with film studies that got me into this mess in the first place? I’m closing in on 30 years, which is anything from a third to half of my entire lifespan, and I still don’t know where my life is headed. I can’t afford another dead end, can I? What if I suck at acting, too?
What if I’m HEADED for a dead end? What if changing now would lead me in a direction more suitable to me? What if it would just lead me into a different dead end? What if there was a fork in the road much further back that didn’t go on to a dead end?
Okay, I suppose in life there are no real dead ends. At worst, they’re cul-de-sacs… They don’t stop you in your tracks, but they lose you a lot of time. I don’t want to keep losing mine.